You're Not a Princess
by Failure Turtle
Summary: Matt is sick of everyone trying to set him up with Eve. Jeff is sick of Maria fawning over him. They're out to prove that they really don't like these girls. Why should the girls always get their way? Few shot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Face Matt because heel Matt blows and I can never imagine him being aligned with Edge. Kayfabealicious, please. And before I get "OMG DA HARDIEZ R SOO NICE DEY CULD NEVA H8 DOSE GRILLLZZZ," remember that nice people can detest others.**

"For the last fucking time, Maria, I'm just not interested in her!" Matt Hardy bellowed to his friend, Maria Kanellis. "I've told you once. I've told you a thousand times. I am not interested in Eve Torres in any way, shape, or form. I don't even like her as a friend, let alone a girlfriend."

Maria frowned at her good friend. She knew that Matt wasn't really mad at her. But didn't he see what everyone else saw? Matt and Eve were perfect for each other. She saw the twinkle in his eye whenever he looked at the newest Diva Search winner, and Maria also noticed how flustered Eve always was around the elder Hardy brother.

"You know you like her, Matt. We can all tell," Maria stated, crossing her lanky arms over her scantily clad chest, just having finished up a tag team match. Ironically enough, Eve was her partner.

"I don't like her. What proof do you even have?" Matt was truly getting annoyed with the whole ordeal. If he liked Eve, he would have asked her out himself.

"Well, if you didn't like her, we still wouldn't be talking about it," Maria smirked, thinking that she had proved a point.

"You know, Maria, maybe you should go back to your ditzy gimmick, because you are really acting like an idiot right now," Matt snapped, glaring at the innocent Diva.

Maria's cheeks flushed as she frowned. "I know you don't mean that."

"You're right, but you're acting like it right now. I don't like Eve. I wouldn't lie to you, Ria. I really, honestly, do not like Eve."

"Okay," Maria shrugged, knowing that it was the furthest thing from the truth.

* * *

"You're killing Eve," Jeff sighed, getting ready to leave the arena with his brother. He pulled off his homemade arm covers and tossing them carelessly into his small suitcase.

"Oh, and you're not doing the same to Maria?" Matt said, his instincts telling him to defend his close friend, even against his own flesh and blood. "Dude, she's my best friend, and she's totally and completely in love with you."

"And she makes my blood boil at a temperature that's hotter than a thousand burning suns," Jeff retorted, his face convoluting at the mere mention of Maria's name.

"That's my friend you're talking about, Jeff," Matt growled.

"And Eve isn't my friend? Do you think I like the way you're treating the poor girl?" Jeff snapped back.

It was an interesting situation the boys were in. They were each good friends with one of the Divas, Matt with Maria and Jeff with Eve. But each friend was hopelessly in love with the other Hardy brother, who detested that same Diva.

"Look, man, I don't like Eve. I will _never_ like Eve, so I'm not going to treat her any differently than I do right now."

"I feel the same about Maria, dude," Jeff replied, shrugging as he pulled on a fresh shirt.

"So what are we going to do about this?" Matt asked. "I'm not going to stop hanging out with Maria. You won't stop with Eve. And we're brothers. We're always together. We're both bound to run into the objects of our hatred."

"We're going to do nothing. Or we just make it clear to everyone that we don't like them. Hopefully they'll stop trying to set us up. The Bella Twins came up to me earlier in catering and asked me about taking Maria out. I think I puked in my mouth a little bit."

"I'm going to ignore the fact that Maria is my friend only because I snapped on her earlier when she tried to get me to date Eve," Matt said, rolling his eyes. "I hope you have a plan for this, Jeff."

"Do I look like a man with a plan to you?" Jeff asked.

"You're right," Matt nodded. "Maybe I should call up The Brian Kendrick."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Oh, it's so fun doing this…lmaolmao**

"Boss, you have visitors," the gruff voice of Ezekiel Jackson stated after there was a knock on the door.

"Let them in, Zeke," The Brian Kendrick answered, nodding his head.

Ezekiel took two steps to the door and opened it for whoever was knocking. "In."

The Hardy brothers slowly stepped into the smoky office. The blinds were drawn and the room was dimly lit by a single lamp with a bright green shade over it.

"Did you have an appointment, boys?" The Brian Kendrick asked, taking a long drag from his recently lit joint, his voice a little raspy. He sighed and smiled as he exhaled, filling up the small room with more smoke.

"Er…" Matt started, deciding that he should do most of the talking, "We did not make on, Don Kendrick. We come to you in—"

"Wait a minute," The Brian Kendrick interrupted. He sat up straight, his voice suddenly back to normal. "Don Kendrick? I'm not the fucking Godfather."

Matt shook his head. "Sorry, it was the, erm…atmosphere."

"Oh," Kendrick shrugged, leaning back in his chair. "What is it that I can do for you boys today?" he asked, his voice turning raspy again.

"Matt, do me a favor and don't talk," Jeff said, placing a hand on Matt's shoulder when he saw his brother open his mouth. "Brian, we need a plan."

Kendrick chuckled. "Well, I am the man with a plan, after all. So, what is it? Do you need a horse's head? Vickie Guerrero's head on a platter? Or maybe some fine herb?" Kendrick offered, extending the hand holding the joint to Jeff.

Jeff shook his hands in the air. "No, man. I'm trying to stay clean. Look, we just have two girls over us that we don't want over us. You know what I'm saying?"

"You don't want two girls all over you? Are you nuts? Hey, I'll be glad to take them off your hands for you."

"It's Maria and Eve," Matt interjected.

"Oh, nevermind then. Forget I offered. I may be dirty, but I'm not _that_ dirty. But why are these girls in love with _you_ guys? Why don't they like normal guys like Edge or something? Because Edge is a cool guy," Kendrick nodded, looking up at Ezekiel for approval. Zeke nodded, as well.

"Are you high?" Jeff asked, staring at The Brian Kendrick for the words that had just exited his mouth.

"No shit, Sherlock," Kendrick muttered, putting out the joint in a ceramic ashtray in the shape of a banana.

"Well, people are saying that we're meant to be with them," Matt explained, rubbing his temples. The secondhand weed was not agreeing with his brain at the moment.

"Jeff, just because you dress in bright colors and Maria acts like she's an illegal alien beamed down from Planet Rainbow Upchuck doesn't mean that you're meant to be with her. That's stupid. And as for Matt and Eve? Well…That's just fucking retarded."

"Thank you! If you weren't such a skeeze, I'd shake your hand," Matt said.

Kendrick's normally goofy look turned into one of disgust. "Skeeze? _Skeeze_? Did Matt Hardy just call me a skeeze? _Matt fucking Hardy_? That's it! Out! Out of my office! No one insults The Brian Kendrick and gets away with it! Think of your own damn plan! Bailiff!"

Zeke "gently escorted" the brothers out of the office, meaning that he picked both of them up by the collar, kicked the door down, and tossed them halfway down the hallway.

"Damnit, Zeke, now we need a new door."


End file.
